It's early morning, you jump out of bed and throw on your clothes, dashing down for a breakfast of Quail's eggs, organic corn bread and coffee that has been collected from the backsides of hermit crabs (no harm comes to the crabs as they deposit their excrement and it is subsequently dried and bunged inelegantly into jars). What are you doing? You are preparing for work.
Work is a truly edifying experience. It helps to promote self growth, stimulates self disgust and engenders strong feelings of teamwork. Well, that's just some of the many positives that a day of paid or unpaid labour entails. But after many hours of reflection, I decided to interview a selection of people performing different roles, what their experience of the daily toil was. I found the results of my studies quite eye-opening.
Firstly, here's Danny...
'I work from 9 am to 10.30 pm in a privately run supermarket just outside of Surrey Quays. I wear a uniform with the supermarket's logo on, which I am not allowed to wear outside of the establishment. Having said that, I am encouraged to wear £400 trainers with the supermarket's logo on. I own four pairs of these, the cost of these were thoughtfully deducted from my wage packet over a year through the 'salary sacrifice' scheme. I like my job to the same extent I like my life. Both of which are driving me insane but at least, smiling inanely at obnoxious customers reminds me that things could be worse. Yeah, I am a Retail Assistant. I stock shelves and serve the customers. The supermarket I work for only stocks products sourced from local producers who import their 'locally produced' goods from small countries where the prospect of impending war and/or economic collapse tend to make such products quite cheap. When we shelve them, we triple the price. We have one or two unusual items for sale, Lucky Toenail Clippings and a Formaldehyde based product called Forever Firm for the discerning ladies who require that level of facial support. Do I like my job? Well, no, not really but it pays my way and reminds me how truly futile life can be.'
On a different note, here's Stone...
'You understand that Stone is not my real name. I am not embarrassed by what I do but I would rather have a degree of anonymity as I am seeking promotion. I work as a Researcher for quite a big concern. Well, I say 'big', but actually it's a medium sized outfit. What do I do as a Researcher? Well, to tell you the truth, it's probably better to ask what I don't do and honestly, I do everything. When the stars require assistance I am there for them. I also help the production team. Let's
give you the rundown of last Thursday. Last Thursday, I arrive at the film studio in New Cross at 3am. The first thing I did was to ensure that the supplies had arrived. We order our supplies from a company that specialises in protective and cosmetic gear. I checked the set to make sure that all of the objects that were there the previous day were still where they had been. Continuity is extremely important, particularly to Steve, the director. I respect his attention to detail and the care he lavishes on his productions. Two of the actors arrive and I make them coffee. Cindy and Daisy are two of the leading names in Steve's films. They have been in nearly all of his films. He is a director who inspires those who work with him. They keep coming back to work for him as do I. I sit down with the two actors and go over their scripts with them. Daisy is having some difficulty getting to grips with the motivations of her character. I suggest that she simply be herself and understand that her character is complex yet open to change. My reassurances help her and she practises her lines. Next to arrive are Dick, the leading actor and Steve, the director. Steve greets me and I make more coffees. I run the bath and set up the cameras. Dick removes his clothes at Steve's behest and I rub baby oil on his muscles. The scene requires Dick to appear moist on camera. Once the bath is run, Cindy and Daisy both get in the bath and begin to wash each other. The cameras are rolling and I watch out of range until I am next needed. Dick approaches the bath and delivers his dialogue (he is a plumber who has gone into the wrong address and just happens to find himself overwhelmed by the need to remove his clothes owing to the heat. By complete coincidence, he stumbles upon two women engaged in foreplay in the bath), 'Oh, I am so sorry ladies, I appear to have come in the wrong place'. The director cuts the action as Dick's member has become flaccid and calls for me to help with the situation. I put on my rubber gloves and as ever it takes five minutes of activity to 'raise the dead'. Once the scene has been shot, I am responsible for clearing everything away. The bath is cleaned with my usual degree of care as I am fastidious about unsightly stains. Do I like my job? What a stupid question! I love it. I deeply respect the director and the actors I work with and I have no doubt that 'The Plumber's Dilemma' will be nominated for the coveted 'Wet Dream Short Film of the Year'.'
Finally, Sylvie...
'I work for free. I am paid by the love I receive from the people I encounter and by God. I spread the good word on the train. The Good Book is my instructional manual. I walk up to random strangers who seem to need the hope that the Bible inspires. Occasionally, I also stop people kissing in public places too unless they are married. I sometimes despair of humanity and look forward to the Day of Reckoning. Occasionally, I encourage people to sing hymns with me and follow me through the train. Religion is everything to me. I wake up in the morning and pray for half an hour before watching 'The Jeremy Kyle Show', which suitably infuriates me so I pray for another half an hour. After lunch, I board a train at London Bridge and then spend the next seven hours travelling on different trains. I am following God's timetable. He tells me where I should be. Spreading the Word is the only important occupation that remains these days. The Christian message of hope, love and Jesus are more important than mindless consumerism. People sometimes laugh at me as I walk the Holy Path but their laughter at least means they are listening. One day, I will make sure that I have enough copies of the Bible on me to educate and edify the train passengers who are leading sinful lives.'
My exploration of the world of work has helped me to realise that working conditions are somewhat less important than the state of mind you inhabit at the start of the day when you begin your daily performance in whichever role you are performing. Happiness is not a viable state at work but self delusion is and should be celebrated. Being yourself is slightly less satisfying than being someone else.
Barry Watt - Saturday 17th August 2013.
